Chris Post 4: Roadblocks

So the road from Port Novou across the southern limit of Nigeria to Calabar is apparently not the safest of the planet, especially near Port Harcourt where there are kidnappings etc… So , in response to this danger, the Nigerian government has set up roadblocks. Not just one or two, I think that there should be another 's' on road blocks, to emphasize the plural nature. And we get stopped at just about every single one.

So we all have our own particular technique for road block time, and it all depends on the colour of the uniform, the presence of a spiked barrier and more importantly, does he have a gun, generally in the form of a short butt AK47. So we stop a lot and being endowed with a generous ability to talk shit, and a penchant for arguments, I’ve taken it as my personal mission to get my way through all of them without paying a bribe. In fact, we all have, “no bribes for you Mr Officer, but you can have this argument instead”.

So as for the different techniques, Don goes with the bombardment approach, it's affective and hilarious to watch. He also tries humour sometimes, that doesn’t seem to work. Greg and C-baz often do the “don’t actually stop” technique, and if you are stopped, Greg whips of his mosquito bangle and swaps it out for his license or just dangles it to distract the guy while he makes a getaway. I go with the argument approach, overwhelm him with forms and stamps and officianado until they are so confused that they wave you on.

Each has a pro and con, they work differently for different groups… but here are some of the things I have learned from the hundred and fifty or so road blocks we have negotiated.

1. If they take your forms to ‘the Madame” you are going to be there a while. Madame is generally a lady in a car, listening to the radio who won’t speak to you directly. Madame is official, you are not and so you argue as a third party. Its quite fun actually.

2. Stamps, stamps stamps…. Have stamps on everything, even if they are your own stamp.

3. Never take the contrary position. For instance, when the VIO and you are engaged in an argument about how you were not wearing your seatbelt. ( I was in fact wearing said belt and after nothing could be shown wrong with the car I was simply declared not to be wearing the belt) you never answer anything in direct contradiction. Rather one up the guy. So when he say’s “I swear in front of God, that you were not wearing a belt, are you calling me a liar?”, don’t answer “Yes”, rather say something like “But I swear in front of God that I was, so how can God be wrong?”. That seems to work.

4. Raising your voice is fine, especially in the South, Yoruba and Ibo people are very loud and its appreciated to be loud back. No ones angry, It's just like Portugal, we shout our hellos, our goodbyes and our “no I’m not paying this fine, I’ll go with you to Abuja if you need to speak to someone more senior”.

5. Pointing out the obvious is not going to help. C-baz enjoys this one, like when we are pulled over for overloading a one tone vehicle with about 300kg of stuff all fastened securely and in a set up designed for just such transport. C-baz will point out every car going past and ask, but what about them? And them? And them? Its hilarious watch. But the answer is great, they’ll look plainly at him and say “but we can’t stop them all”.

6. Being a South African brother is always good. Same blood, same team, same continent, same whatever it takes…Greg has been known to shout “Not white man, African!”, its pretty good.

7. Young guys and Mirror shades are not good.

8. Obvious things may not seem obvious. For instance at the end of a 100km stretch with over 33 roadblocks, the last guys will ask you, in full view of the last roadblock 1km behind you. “Do you know you are driving a right hand drive car…we don’t allow those in Nigeria”, he will say it with disgust, like he just caught you looking at pornography involving Nataniel. What?..right hand drive, when did that happen?, Don, did you change the steering again? , Officer I am so happy you noticed, the other hundred officers just didn’t pick up on it and here we are driving a right hand drive car”. No, rather start at the beginning and explain like it’s the first time you have. Insisting that you have permission and showing off your customs stamps.

Uniforms are important, there are green ones (Customs) , black ones (Police), grey ones (not sure but we think highway patrol), Black and white ones (Vehicle inspection officers), makeshift ones (SARS..we think, no idea what, we just drive for them), there are the camouflage ones (Military) and then there are our favourite…. When we see them on the road we let out a groan and get the forms ready. The red hat and black and tan uniform of Federal Road safety. And when they see us, they grin and think, here comes Christmas. “No sir, I do not need a permit to carry a securely fastened tyre my roof, please show me the fine in your book”. Now why the pretense? Why do they pretend we have committed an offence and we pretend like we didn’t and we don’t know what’s going on. Rather be honest, just say “hey guys, we’re going to keep you here till you give us some cash”, and we’ll say, “no guys, you aren’t”. Then we can have a arm wrestle or spitting contest or chess game or something to settle it.

But that said, its actually pretty good fun. Of the hundred and fifty odd roads blocks we’ve passed, most of the guys just want a chat, to find out where you are from, shake your hand and say welcome. If you drive windows down, disassociated from Nigeria, I think many of the rumours would seem true. But, if you smile, and chat and get out and take your time to meet people, like all us good Africans should anyway. You meet Abo, the man who wants me to send him a vuvuzela… if he mails me, I swear I will. You meet Benjamin Coti, a young Ghanain chap interested in the natural world. The cops are regular guys, doing a regular if not different job…and once you’re used to it, we’re all the same in the end I suppose.